I apologize if I have typos and not the right Grammer it's late as I write this and just really wanted to get this off my chest. Im angry with him and his life choices but I try to be there for him the best that I can because I don't what to regret things the way I regret them with my grandma and uncle, but I know that if my dads lifestyle doesn't change I'm going to lose him too and everyday is so hard having all this weight on my shoulders. My dad is an addict and back in December got diagnosed with a rare heart decease. I thought that since I lost my mom so young and know was introduced to death at a young age It would be easier for me to go through it again but I was very wrong. I don't know how I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I'm starting to sound like a broke record. I guess my reason for this post is to vent, it's hard for me to vent to the people around me because 1. And I try not to beat myself up over things that I can't change but it's hard because when I think about them, daily, this is one of the main things I remember. You would think that if I made that mistake with my grandma I wouldn't have made it again 8 months later with my uncle.
I just hope they know I love them and if I could change anything that's what I would change. The last time they ever needed me and I didn't stay. In a way I feel like I let them down, they needed me and I left. They were always there for me and even tho I know it's not my fault, and if I know what I know now things would be different, it still hurts so much.
Out of everything those are the two things I regret most in life. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I regret so much that I didn't stay with either of them the night that the past all because I had work the next day. Minutes apart from the same time my grandmother past away 8 months prior. I had to leave because I have work the next day. I sat there with him for awhile and he was gripping my hand so tight that when I had to leave I literally had to pry his hand off of mine. I remember I walked into the kitchen to get something for him and I heard him screaming help, I ran in there and he was gasping for air and he said "I'm dying." I tried comforting him the best I could and Gave him some morphine to help with his lungs (he was on hospice) and I had notified the nurse what happened. The day before he passed I was hand feeding him, he was barley eating and hadn't been talking for days. His last moments are even worse for me to remember. On the other hand my uncle who passed away last month was 65 years old and was bed ridden for over 5 years, I cant remember how long but it was a long time. my brain hangs on so much to what she looked like in her final moments and its hard for me to carry. She died in the hopsital and I ended up going home the night that she ended up passing because I had work the next day. I know I have millions of memories but for some reason I only allow myself to think about how things were for her when she had alzhimers and also the last day I had with her. I find it hard to remeber/think of the times we had when she was well. it makes me sad that I have to live life without her but what I can't get out of my head is how she was in the last few years of her life. My great grandma was 85 and she lived a long life, she ended up getting alzheimers and she died from congestive heart failure and old age. Losing them is very hard but what I can't get out of my head is watching them die and the moments I had with them in their final hours. I've recognized that each death has a unique mourning process. My grandma and my uncle were two people I could always depend on and impacted my life greatly. Not long after my great grandma (second mother) it wasnt even 8 months later I lost a great uncle, he was more like a grandpa to me. I always considered her my hero and went to her with everything. I'm 22 now and just recently lost my great grandmother, she was the one who took me in after my mom died and my dad couldn't deal. What hurts the most about her death is watching the way my dad has dealt with it. I lost my mom when I was 4 years old, I don't remember her much but have glimpse of memories with her.
0 kommentar(er)
